ジェーン・パークのインスタグラム(thejanepark) - 10月30日 05時29分

Cinderella was my favorite Disney movie growing up and this song resonates more than ever.

I’ve been having dreams of Grace almost every night. My sleep comes in cycles and I rarely make it to dawn without waking up at least a half dozen times. Grace consumes my every thought during the day and clearly she is in my subconscious as well. Every single dream I’ve had however has been of her achieving something she currently cannot do. I saw her so clearly last night wearing a light blue onesie with her yellow G tube clipped to her shirt. I was gently holding her sides and standing her up on the purple massage table in our front room. Her plump little legs were bearing weight and her toes were curled and turning white, trying to get her grip on the table. I held her steady and slowly took my hands off her sides and moved them to only support her arms. Grace was shaky and uneven, but she was doing it. She was standing almost on her own. Not only that, she was holding her head upright and her eyes were locked on mine and so expressive as if to say “are you proud of me mama?”

Every time I’m dreaming of her, my alarm goes off to tell me it’s time to give her medication, or I suddenly snap awake. In the 5 seconds it takes me for me to realize i’m dreaming, im feeling such joy and elation that my daughter could stand. Or walk. Crawl. Hug me back. Say “mama”. My heart is wishing so badly for her to reach milestones, to be happy and to live a life worth living through her eyes.

Of course I’m proud of you my little angel. If she can survive a brush with death and live to wake up every day when circumstances aren’t ideal, then I have to forge on for her too. I feel the suffocating heaviness of our situation every day, but I’m quickly reminded that it is Grace that bears the brunt of the burden.

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing..the dream that you wish will come true.” I’ve done enough grieving for a lifetime, but I’m afraid this is just the beginning. Before she falls asleep I hold her in my arms, sing this song and tell her to meet me in the same place. I hope if she can dream, she’s dreaming of me too.

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