レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 3月11日 07時54分

For the first time in 9 years I didn’t wake up with a sense of panic today. Normally, as March 10 approaches I feel a tightening of my chest that only worsens by the day. I prepare for this day the way I prepare for a big ritual, or a celebration, but in reverse. I brace myself. I count down the hours. I hold my breath a little bit, waiting for the muscle memory of trauma to kick in and take hold. It’s normally the worst day of the year, March 10, so I have to prepare.

But not this year. Not today.

I don’t know if it’s the baby kicking in my womb, or our almost 6-year old and the excitement for the birthday party we are throwing her tomorrow, or the snow that won’t stop falling, or the news we just received about a family member, or pregnancy brain, or all of the above or none of the above, but when I woke up this morning… I had forgotten. I forgot. I forgot that today is the day we lost you. I forgot that today is the worst day. The day that changed all of our lives irreversibly forever. I forgot. And it took me all day to remember.

But I’m here now, remembering. Thinking about this moment; swimming naked in our favorite waterfall, you teaching me songs about the river, me looking at you like you know everything.

You sang for me and we shared a mango in the car and just days later you were gone and now it’s been 9 years and apparently 9 is the year I forget my best friend died?? I feel guilty. Like I left you behind. For so many years I couldn’t wrap my head around how the world would just keep spinning even without you here and now here I am having babies and blowing up balloons and playing in the snow even though it’s March 10 and it breaks and soothes my heart all at the same time. Maybe I didn’t forget. Maybe life just happened to feel bigger than death today. I don’t know. I just know I miss you so much there is not enough breath in my lungs to express it.

Te amo. Lo siento. Perdóname. Gracias.

Por todos los caminos recorridos❤️ y los que faltan por recorrer. I love you gemela

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